:: Sunday, May 29, 2005 ::

i am occuring to myself as someone who is lost - the craziness of my past where i knew myself as someone who would sell her soul for love. it doesn't fit who i am any more AND some of the fringes are still there. now my soul can just be love. i am so far out on the skinny branches that i get afraid to move at times - taking the risks, opening, believing, being vulnerable - but this second i am fighting wanting to be right (see - there is only pain on the other side of all of this - trust & love & commit to something & just see what happens). gawd, what will i get out of this when when it all settles, when the "aaaaahaaaa" sets in, when my emotions slow down long enough for me to breathe again.

i kill off the journey when i want it to go my way. twarted intentions, unfulfilled expectations ...

i say i have freedom & passion & love in my life. i say i have it now. i say, i say , i say ... too fucking much ... i am quiet now. i will say something again soon ...
:: Kym 1:55 AM [+] ::
...

back - prompted by the thought that i might share this address with you -
why is it that the thought of total strangers viewing this has no effect on me?
BUT the thought of someone i know - or worse yet care about - seeing me out here naked is terrifying. all fear of looking bad :-)

i go back to the beginning & view my life & love & pain & inquiries & joy & it all blurs together ... seems like yesterday or today or tomorrow ... so much seems the same verbally but i know myself as a new woman each day - words do not seems to capture the subtle differences in who i am. the word love meaning a million things, the rawness always a new flavor of vulnerablability.

today i suck in the richness of it all and blush as i hold my finger over the send button that will place it in plain view - holding my breath for a moment wishing i was more or different or deeper or better or anything other than my simple words twisted out on a keyboard.

enjoy it, darling ... it is me ... for whatever it is worth.



:: Kym 11:10 AM [+] ::
...

the space keeps opening ... i create & it opens then i stand staring at it not knowing what to do with it ... so i create some more & it opens up farther & once again i stand staring at it ... now what? my canvas always full & always empty as i keep creating.

from nothing ... the universe gives me exactly what i ask for ...

answering to the future that calls me. whatever the hell that is. i just keep answering.

reminded of art school where we sat for hours discussing if art creates life or if life creates art - as i say money - money falls out of my mouth - as i say love - love falls out of my mouth. i am at cause. i have resisted being willing for so long & suddenly it has become a game to surrender to it. almost afraid to open my mouth - but not.

i battle the fear - a one woman army.



:: Kym 3:19 AM [+] ::
...

riduculous stories float past me & i grab onto them & become entertained - stuck with them like they are real.
i know vulnerability - i know intimacy & yet when they knock at my door i simply look out the peep hole at them & pretend that i have never met them before - walking away with them left standing there knocking.

i refuse to live like this anymore. the costs are too high. i want freedom too much.

fuck it - let the fun begin.

NOTHING EXISTS UNTIL I CREATE IT!

:: Kym 1:00 PM [+] ::
...

talking today - i realize that i have not shared here in so long. i withdrew - told that what i was sharing was impacting others unfairly. speaking my truth getting in the way. i left here angry that my freedom had been stripped from me. it was not a public place - it was my quiet place - my place to release & suddenly i had no release. in my typical fashion i withdrew. i didn't know how to synthesize it so i left. i shut down. i stopped.

bullshit. i own this place. it is mine. i get to choose to either share openly or not. my feelings, my thoughts, my art. art - not always for the masses to understand. vulnerability - not always for the world to appreciate. each will make their own meanings. if they really want to know they can ask. nothing hidden.

i am back.

:: Kym 1:32 AM [+] ::
...

i teach - i love - i love - i love - i love- i learn
i surrender - the old conversations disappearing
my heart expands until it nearly expolodes
each time i think i can't take anymore - i take more
& more & more & more
knowing that there is something on the other side
that i crave
stepping through spaces that i never knew i could step through
walls become open doorways
& when the words fall out
& fear comes & the loneliness sets in & i want to hide & just cry
i seek out the feelings & just let myself feel them
breathe in - breathe out -
life shifts again in a conversation
always in a conversation
knowing is an illusion - everything is only temporary
created by whims & moods - needs fulfilled
leaving impact
& it is OK - coz i knew -
& i stepped through the door each time anyhow
coz no other choice seemed real
& i am determined to be real

i understand so much & let go of what i don't

i want to talk about it
so i come out here & put it out into the world
& tell myself not to be careful
this is my space -

i celebrate truth being spoken
taking what i get
freedom & intimacy
at any cost


:: Kym 3:31 AM [+] ::
...

months go by again - what have i learned this time? when i have not been out here it means nothing other than i am too entrenched in the everyday living of life to speculate on it. my months take on an unrealistic quality of years. i lavish the time with people instead of this computer that usta be my only comfort, my only expression.

i have been expressing other ways. expressing love, expressing commitment, expressing my aliveness. tapping into hearts & souls - being a dream maker, a muse. i find myself as a new woman each day, bigger than i ever dreamed. today the tears rolled down my cheeks as i looked into eyes of men & women whose souls had been bared, egos silenced, lives jump-started. i knew myself as someone who was at cause. a lifetime of talking the talk & finally feeling the soles of my feel solid on the ground with each step as i walk the walk. created in the goddess' image just like everyone else but finally knowing it - owning it - taking it on. acknowledging how human i am in my own victories even ... i weep with passion. i am them - they are me - we simply exist in separate bodies but we are all of the same time & space & dimension.

i love. i love deep & with a magnitude that no obstacle can stop. i am a force to be reckoned with. a soft, tender, vulnerable, powerful fire buring brightly through the darkness. my eyes focus like a laser to find life in other eyes. i laugh from my soul now. & i stand & stand & stand & when i am exausted standing for others i stand more.

you are my proof that anything is possible. when it feels like pain i know it is just a deepening of my spirit. when it feels like ecstacy i know that it is just a deepening of my passion. it is sacred my love for you. i can feel it all but my feelings do not run me, my committment does. my committment that you always be in the light - that you always are free - that you always experience safety & love. my veins fill with my committment for you, my committment for us as a unique partnership - pumping through me no matter what. so much bigger than me - my committment - my love for you. i choose over & over & over & over again, never tired of choosing you - breathing life into me each time i choose you again.

and today as i faced those other men & women who i had stood for in the very face of no agreement, tears rolling down my face as i got my contribution to them & their contribution to me & i acknowledged you, across the room, the one who first had me know what being a stand really is. you will touch millions of lives through me - people you will never know, to depths you can never imagine - each of them receiving love from me only because you - my mirror, my soul's connection to reality - give me space to expand in. i honor you. i cherise us. you are my opening to freedom.

the world is fortunate that you are in my life - my catalyst without which i would never know the bigness of others. laugh with me - my partner in light - it is not serious - it is sheer pleasure what our stregnths create together. wildness of the perfect order merged together to shift everyone we connect with - world altering that starts with my love for you & procreates limitless in the world. i am who i am in spite of myself & proportunate to who i get to be with you.

the world has no chance of regressing, people have no chance of being unloved ... not as long as i am alive and continue to choose you. there are no accidents - we have been placed here in this life together to shift the world & each other. and all of this felt, all of this said - i choose you again.


:: Kym 12:57 AM [+] ::
...

the days tick by ... my eyes slowly shutting with sleepiness & yet, the desire to be out here sharing again ... i know that when i am keeping it to myself that there is something missing for me (quiet = hiding & deadly). tonight i was wanting to go out & didn't. i went out last week for the first time in moons - i sit here now & think about what has me wanting to return ... it was the freedom, the excitment, the playfulness ... the music moving me, my body minus any constraints ... old friends saying hi, glad to see me ... talking to strangers easily ... a shift has happened ... there was none of my old shyness to stop me. i was open to it all. i was present. there was that woman with large crosses tattoed on her calves - the kind of mystery i used to love, the stranger in black & heels - i felt the thrill in the little scenario she kept creating as she rubbed on me & moved against me - my senses lit up at the way she leaned into me as my fingers tightened on her arms & hips - made no difference who she was or that she wanted nothing else - it was just so damn nice to be wanted in the moment - to feel sexual & free (it has been so long since i have felt wanted) - her - the music - the drag queens - like a time warp. i remember when every weekend was like that - only i engaged motivated & uninhibited because of alcohol & drugs - now i could just experience it with both eyes open & my senses intact. i wanted more tonight - i wanted the aliveness of it all - i wanted to be among all those women (to breathe them in, to catch their eyes, to take in the different perfumes through my pores). more than that i wanted physical contact - i wanted to be sexual - try it on again, test it out some more, stretch my beliefs about myself.

but i came home & now i slip out here & explore it all out loud ... wondering what stopped me tonight. doesn't matter what it was - i came home. but, sitting here right now i am clear that i no longer choose to be alone - the only question is am i willing to be who i need to be in order to not be ... tomorrow we'll see ...
:: Kym 2:44 AM [+] ::
...

be a while since i wandered around out here with my words on display & my skin exposed. i have such a rich life ... and the missings show up more now. when nothing worked i could barely even tell when something new fell out of synch ... now i little hint of disarray & i zero in on it like it is bigger than life itself. running from call to call & connection to connection & action to action ... my days filled with sensations & rewards. i no longer just count being awake as a victory, breathing is not enough to consider myself living. i spin around at times just trying to catch who is pushing me forward or playing ventriloquist with my lips ... i never find anyone there ... it keeps leading me to believe it is me, just me. i have become powerful when i was not looking. i have become loving & soft inside, touched by those around me, craving to interact. & still in all of that i keep secrets from myself ... the secret of the missings. i open only so far & then unbelievable fear creeps in ... deeper & deeper stuph as i strip the layers away. wanting to make a difference with myself in addition to others.

i go in & out of knowing who i am. i am someone who deserves it one minute & then denies it another. i laugh from my gut & then wonder if it was all that funny. & right now i sit & ponder my worthiness. it is what always comes up ... am i worth of the missings? those moments i answer yes the missings show up & then in the same fleeting amount of time i can hsut them all down & make them disappear in my unworthiness. let me coach you - i can spin you around in seconds [don't turn the table on me though or i will stop in my tracks].

so why haven't i created her in my life? what am i afraid of? she is one of the missings ... beside me ... with me ... next to me ... she isn't there. i haven't created her yet. i tempt her, i call her forth & then, just as quickly i pretend i can't have her just to cover up that i don't know how to be with her. she'll remain a mystery until i give up this little game.

so who am i fooling? just me i fear. clock ticking, time passing me by. i resist my own greatest desire. i can't have her & i'll prove it to myself. how silly can i be? how big of a fool am i willing to acept myself as? it is the craziness of it all ... i could have her now if i would just give up the game & yet i keep playing, holding on tightly to my independenance, protecting my bed, my heart, my soul from any slim chance that i might get hurt ... and i hurt anyhow.

so come on, baby - try me. i give it up. you are cordially (or not so cordially perhaps) invited to give me a spin. i've been wearing my invisible woman outfit for too long & i'm willing to take it off now. i'm gonna show up .... now. yes, it's me ... come over & sit for a spell & tell me about yourself & i'll listen, but even more than listening, i'll share too. look in my eyes - they'll shine at you i promise - but even more than shining, they'll look inside us both.

i am here but i won't be for long - i am coming after you. i can feel your presence getting closer & i don't want to wait any more - i'm ready to come looking for you. beware, you may be the one who falls for me ... i
:: Kym 3:06 AM [+] ::
...

pulling the string that was hangin loose - you began to unravel something that soon left me naked. & i stand here not even pretending to be shy, not reaching for anything to cover up with ... rather calm & focused & intriqued with the ease by which you pulled it all off. you didn't even put any effort into it - just a single swift move & it was done, unraveled.

there is a candle burning by my bed so you can find me in the dark when you show up. the shadows it casts on my face covers up the tear marks from the cry i had - florescent salt - happiness has an odd effect on me it seems. my body is warm & wanting - crawl in close when you get here & i'll wrap around you with my arms & legs & breathe til you rest as part of me - hard & deep & safe. don't even think about how far you had to travel or if you'll ever need to go back. when we awaken i'll blow out the candle & tuck the string under your pillow - a souvenir to show the grandkids someday. it'll add real credence to the story of how we met when we were both being too powerful to stop ourselves & we let the simpliest of strings define a destiny.
:: Kym 2:27 AM [+] ::
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