:: Sunday, April 11, 2004 ::

the days tick by ... my eyes slowly shutting with sleepiness & yet, the desire to be out here sharing again ... i know that when i am keeping it to myself that there is something missing for me (quiet = hiding & deadly). tonight i was wanting to go out & didn't. i went out last week for the first time in moons - i sit here now & think about what has me wanting to return ... it was the freedom, the excitment, the playfulness ... the music moving me, my body minus any constraints ... old friends saying hi, glad to see me ... talking to strangers easily ... a shift has happened ... there was none of my old shyness to stop me. i was open to it all. i was present. there was that woman with large crosses tattoed on her calves - the kind of mystery i used to love, the stranger in black & heels - i felt the thrill in the little scenario she kept creating as she rubbed on me & moved against me - my senses lit up at the way she leaned into me as my fingers tightened on her arms & hips - made no difference who she was or that she wanted nothing else - it was just so damn nice to be wanted in the moment - to feel sexual & free (it has been so long since i have felt wanted) - her - the music - the drag queens - like a time warp. i remember when every weekend was like that - only i engaged motivated & uninhibited because of alcohol & drugs - now i could just experience it with both eyes open & my senses intact. i wanted more tonight - i wanted the aliveness of it all - i wanted to be among all those women (to breathe them in, to catch their eyes, to take in the different perfumes through my pores). more than that i wanted physical contact - i wanted to be sexual - try it on again, test it out some more, stretch my beliefs about myself.

but i came home & now i slip out here & explore it all out loud ... wondering what stopped me tonight. doesn't matter what it was - i came home. but, sitting here right now i am clear that i no longer choose to be alone - the only question is am i willing to be who i need to be in order to not be ... tomorrow we'll see ...
:: Kym 2:44 AM [+] ::
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