:: Friday, January 30, 2004 ::

i hum about what i am really committed to ... set on this path by a wise, kind soul of a guide tonight who notes my power AND how i give it away (we disguise ourselves so well from ourselves but others can see right through us). i say i am committed to so many things & then i look and i am really committed to NOT having anything i say. the real committment is to NOT having what i want, being right that i can never have it my way, resigned that i am not worthy. i set it up so well ... (the now glaring area of love brings it all forward ... but it is all over the place isn't it?) what does it look like? picture it: i open up & be vulnerable & then, just to make sure it works out perfect i pursue a woman who is not available to me ... bingo ... i lose so i win ... see, i can't have it ... i win. the giggle of it all is profound. she twinkles & sparks & boldly tells me right up front - i fall & stumble & pretend i don't hear (o, but i do - i hear in the first few seconds, not available ...perfect ... i want it then & away i go) - and in the end it fizzles & melts & evaporates & shifts AND I AM RIGHT - yeahhhhhhhh - i can't have it. no need to tell me i-told-you-so ... hell, i told myself so, i picked it coz it was so. AND i get to give my power away & play victim & add one more point to the see-i-tried-and-i-am-just-not-worthy scoreboard. joke on me ("i started a joke that started the whole world crying ... why couldn't i see that the joke was on me?"). living life blind.

so what am i committed to? how about to the game of not-getting what i want vs.what i say i want. actually my guide through this conversation is right ... if i look at what i've got then i can see what i am committed to ... come on, peek inside the tent & see the show. and what is so? can i simply accept what is so? what is so is that i am single. what am i committed to? ... (dear diary, pay attention ...highlight this part) ... i am committed to being single. i choose it ... i cause it. take it on, baby! no one did it to me ... i caused it, invited it, created it, manifested it. me, the creator of my life. used all my tools to implement it.

hi, my name is kym ... u unavailable to me? u find a million things u are looking for that i don't have? want to point them out to me over & over? want to make it as obvious a s possible that i'm not the one for u? well lets go then, lets dance the dance ... tell me things i don't want to hear ... matters not ... i'll take whatever u say & get the impact & THEN pretend it is perfect just so i can run with it, twist it & turn it, slip into my most vulnerable self, grab it & hold on for dear life - all so i can suffer the big suffering in the end ... sarah bernhardt got nothing on me ... poor little kym, enter stage left ... lights low, sound of a hollow wind in the background ... she tried so hard, she loved so deep, she hurts so much ... hold up the que card "WHAIL OUT LOUD" - and deep inside, now, i knows it was the role i chose - a great role for a great woman! perfect roles for the perfect actresses (someone give the casting staff a bonus). did i try? hell, yes. did i love deeply? hell, yes. do i hurt much? hell, yes - BUT i chose it. no pity party needed, fans - celebrate for me instead - i got just what i wanted - the payoffs are enormous. i'm right, i'm right, i'm right ... nanananabooboo!

what is so? i am single. i accept it. after all, i am committed to it. AND when i finally commit to something else then i will have something else. the play will be different, the casting staff will put the right woman in front of me - she will be available to me, she will love & desire me for who i am, she will be ready just like i will be - but for now ... i am single. in the "what is" there is freedom (my guide tells me) , in the "what is" the other stuph disappears (my guide says). in owning it i can finally choose something different (did i say she was a wise & kind soul, this guide? smiling & winking at her now - i think got it, it didn't take too long, did it? o, there will be more ... i am sure i have not seen it all ... i was ready to start seeing it - thank you - i needed to hear it.)

off to bed alone (repeating to myself that i choose this) ... i look around inside for the darkness but notice that where it was all shut up there is the beginning of an opening ... some light ... this little crack where air is coming in ... i can breathe ... can i curl up now, content, knowing that my power is returning? she flashes in my mind, that beautiful, free woman i let myself fall for, the co-star in my play. i get a lightness suddenly. do i love her, o, yes. is it OK? yes, perfect - she is just who i needed in my life in order to see this. thank you, darling. i'll cherise you forever. i'll love you til the end (without giving up my power to do so anymore) ... just as you are, just as it is. i give myself permission to feel what i feel & i get to own it all a piece at a time as i uncover it.

and what will i be at cause for tomorrow? who knows ... stay tuned.
:: Kym 4:04 AM [+] ::
...

sometimes a grrl just needs to shut up & listen ... usually it is when she is dying to talk the most. the silence is beautiful. leaves a lot of open space for love.
:: Kym 10:05 PM [+] ::
...

something to say to u. i am so clear that had i let anyone elses opinions matter, had i listened to the "good intentions" & the "voices of wisdom" handed to me so kindly & sincerely ... i would have never had the privilege of being able to love this way. i would have never opened my heart (after all those years of it being closed, tight, shut, solid, cold steel). i would have never felt the depth my soul yearned to feel again. (i am hearing some dumb ol cliche about "tis better to have loved & lost than never to have loved at all"). i am clear that those voices came with their own agendas, their own motivations, their own inability to love unconditionally. misery loves company. lonely people can find many reasons why someone else should not have love. follow your own truth. be true to yourself. that is all there is to do. it is all u have. if not ... what will u have to face 20 years from now as u lay awake at night wondering what could have been since u didn't.

did it work out the way i wanted it to? no. would i have had it another way? yes. but it doesn't negate that i got to feel. and no one can take that from me. i can still love & i am still open. i just was not the one. but i can still choose to love & i can still have that in my life. i won't go back now that i have tasted it. it is truely the most incredible thing i have ever had. it is the gift i didn't even know to ask for but i was given anyhow. and with her, i get to evolve this love into something deeper & more profound every day. all out of taking the risk. and what do they see? who knows? "see i told you so - we tried to warn you - how could you ever had thought it would work out". o gawd - who cares what they say? if they could only know how my heart expanded. if they could only see that even if it is not how i wanted it that it is still the most precious love i have ever felt. I CAN FEEL AGAIN. i will never lose this - i will cherish it forever. i will treat it like a rare gem - caring for it & nuturing it & being appreciative of it. i feel blessed (i sound pretty corny for such a bad-ass,eh? - what a relief for me)

& u. follow your heart. if it leads to her then go there. they do not know your soul. they know only their own, run by judgements & assessments & their own need to be right. i giggle that u have what i wanted & that u would even blink an eye in response to them. life b funny. we can grab onto what we want or we can be common. u can't be common. no one common could catch her like u have. common will only block you from yourself. common will only keep u from your passion. no passionate herione ever paid attention to the opioions of others. listen & smile & love them for their "good intentions" & then follow your truth.

i am jealous of u ... that u are what i was not, that u can have her & i could not. AND yet, i can acknowledge the feelings & know that they are just feelings - it is not who i am - who i am is a woman who can be jealous & stand in the face of it & cheer u on, who i am is someone who would tell u to go for it. take the risk. no matter what happens u will win. u will win the victory over yourself. u will win the game of love just in allowing yourself to feel it - no matter what. there are no guarantees in life - except for the guarantee that if u are not willing to risk anything u will never have anything. it is the most brave thing u can do. it is the most important thing u can do. it is the most powerful thing u can do. it is the most compassionate thing u can do. for yourself. anything else - running - pretending - staying shut - letting the fear of what-could-go-wrong control u ... is only the makings of a second rate life - an unfulfilled life - a life hardly worth living in its mediocrity.

u know i am talking to u. i confess, i want her to be happy even if it is not with me & yet, that is not my only motivation - i also have this sadness that i feel when i think of u with so much to gain & not just accepting it, letting it in, running with it. i get how scary it can be to just let yourself feel but i also get how much more scary it is to be stopped & empty in the wanting of more. see, not even knowing u i want u to get this - weird i know - but i am not common either. i am committed, now that i got it, that everyone get it. & u & i now share someone in common, a really incredible someone - she opened me up - let her open u up too. let go. u got the prize, grrl, accept it. maybe it is odd coming from me - but what the hell - i have nothing to lose to talk with u like this. and u & she have everything to gain from it. and me, i get the thrill of being here & watching & knowing that love really works ... magic really does exist.

don't think i haven't said the same things to her. i love her. i want her to have it all. i'm highly invested that both of u run with this thing. o, u can take your time, there is no rush - but do not get stopped. move steadly forward instead of getting sidetracked by the voices in your head & the voices coming from others. both of u are scared coz u don't know how it'll turn out. fuck how it turns out - if u don't risk neither one of u will find out & i guarantee (here's a guarantee u can count on) it will turn out just like it always has - congratulations, have more of the same (sounds really appealing doesn't it).

i don't know u yet. i will. this seems like a good way to start - a hand extended.

now, quick - i gotta send this before i rethink it all. :-)


:: Kym 4:04 AM [+] ::
...

i just got it that having "too much to do" is a good sign
:: Kym 11:49 PM [+] ::
...

i promised myself that i wouldn't censor here ... at the risk of looking bad or stupid or being scared of what anyone thought ...

we talk & in the depth of hearing you talk about her i get how very much i love you ... i hear my words like they are coming from elsewhere, they echo back to me ... "it is NOT weak to want ... of course it is scary ... you feel what you feel, it's wonderful isn't it ... i just want you to be happy, baby". so ironic, that i should be the one to talk to you about this ... no pretense, no hiding ... the one who knows exactly what it is to have feelings now, the one who hates/loves her new vulnerability ... the one who could let her own pain & hurt & feelings of loss paralize her & shut her down OR could choose to just be with it - as what is so - & love you anyhow, stay open & vulnerable & find my own power in it.

i am practicing what i preach. i am not always good at it (i'm sorry - i am just human) ... but in this moment i just won a battle with myself.

sarah comes up again so loud & clear ... "& if i shed a tear i won't cage it ... i won't fear love... & if i feel a rage i won't deny it ... i won't fear love"

you have in me , believe it or not ... unconditional love ... i DO just want you to be happy, baby. i never knew i could love like this.

my life ... uncensored.

:: Kym 3:25 AM [+] ::
...

a glimspe ... of what i am. i stood in the church, part of the ceremony. i was one of the "best chicks" as my friend referred to me (what the hell do you call it? i'm sure not the best man ... she sure isn't the groom ... at the end of this wedding there is no husband ... are there two brides .... does that make me a brides maid ... i cringe/laugh at the thought of it). my eyes filled & i felt the tears streaming down my face ... happy tears ... tears for two women who have, after 5 years together, spent the last year turning themselves inside out to get themselves out of the way individually so they could commit to the bigger vision of being an "us" vs. a "me & you". 150 people, so diverse: gay, straight, white, black, indian, asian, hispanic, male, female, old, young, they flew in & drove in from various parts of the world - the people who love them ... ... we stood together to witness a celebration of love. i had never been to a wedding that touched me like this, inspired me so fully. love in it's purest form. "& with this ring i honor you". the vows read like a fairy tale, steeped in reality "to love those things about you that i know & to trust those things about you that i do not know yet". an illegal ceremony. a ceremony not sanctioned by the world ... but it was sanctioned by the people in that space. a cermony never-the-less. a wise & calm spirit united with a free & playful spirit. the room was peaceful & light & abundant. the gates of the north, south, east & west opened, the spirit of the foremothers & forefathers blessing the room. there was a sacred bond present, not of one god but of all the gods & goddesses - one spirit. and as the flute music filled the air i knew that i was in a safe space of love & passion. will there ever be that one for me? i don't know. it is OK though, no desparation filled my soul. i need nothing more than just to be present to the completeness of that moment when those two brides kissed. to know that anything is possible & that i can have the same love in me - with or without anyone else. it is mine, i can own it & take it with me everywhere i go. and as we walked back down the aisle & Carol King's voice filled the rafters "I feel the earth move under my feet ...." i laughed out loud in my wild grrl voice knowing that the earth had indeed moved but not just for the brides, for everyone in that room including me.

we all rolled into the reception & drank & danced for hours. i didn't know, when i arrived, but something had actually shifted. i had no agenda, there was no plan ... but the the grrls AND the boyz seemed to love me. i was called to table after table as i walked though the room, i was complimented & flirted with. i danced with half the room & laughed so much that i forgot i had on new heels. mothers were telling me that they wanted my energy, the catering team were bringing me drinks and begging me to come visit them at their restaurant, old friends were forgiving everything and asking me to call them, i was hugged & kissed & picked up off the ground & spun in circles. and at some point when the 3rd or 4th person asked me if i was going out later & where or perhaps when i slid the 5th or 6th phone number into my bag or maybe when i was engaged in the 7th or 8th conversation with a person i would have never dreamed would talk to me ... i got it that i was alive - that i had reconnected to the parts of myself that i love the most ... the me with no fears or doubts, the me that is magnetic, the me that creates laughter & energy around her, the me that is on the edge & intriquing. but it was different somehow - i was not deflecting it - i was not a fuck-you, i was taking it in & giving it back out. i had forgotten who i could be. i had forgotten what i projected. i had forgotten my power. it never left me, it was just forgotten. the little grrl who never was pretty enough, or loveable enough or just enough .... ever enough ... she had taken over for so long. & in that moment i got that i was loveable & desirable & playful & a sense of fulfillment came over me. & the rest of the night, as a small group of us moved to an apartment on the beach to continue, i was just me. just me, the best parts of me, with confidence & pride & joy. i was the very freedom that i had mused about only the day before. the clock has been ticking ... i know more than i let on. i know more than i think i know. at a wedding, the joining of a wise & calm spirit & a free & playful spirit ... i got a glimpse of those pieces of me - joined in me - present for me & others. weddings can be magic. go figure ...
:: Kym 4:01 AM [+] ::
...

the words free me. i remember free ... it was so long ago ... wild nights, drugs & grrls ... nothing stopped me. i spun circles around people with not a care about them or me ... pure escape. it was freedom at any cost. it had an ugly side back then. came from the wrong motivations. then fear set in, the responsibillity (read: burden) took over ... i don't even know when it happened. i just know it did. shut it down. & now, i seek the freedom again. but what i seek looks differnt now. it doesn't reek of chaos & escape. i see it out of the corner of my eye, lurking just out of view & there are moments when i touch it & taste it & smell it & feel it. i desire more than moments. i want it back, this time, along with the ability to care & love that i've gained. i want it all. intimacy, freedom, love, full self expression. i am aware i can have it again finally ... the way i want it ... i know it: sitting on my balcony, the smell of the salt water below, the breeze cool against my skin ... with her - my free spirit grrl, my gift ... taking in art: performance, visual, words from a poets mouth ... all free spaces for me. expand the moments, spread it out ... live it deep ... i will not stop until each second is free ... regenerating freedom with each breath.

i never knew it meant so much to me even though i've lusted after it forever. i wrapped it up in alll knids of requirements & games, feared to enter because i thought it could only look like that freedom from my past ... it is none of that. it is calm & peaceful & fulfilling, wild & on-the-edge & hot to the mind's touch - but there is no longer danger or isolation attached to it - it is pure & simple now. i add the moments up, blips on the screen of my life. i relax & let it take me over - sweet sweet freedom. no need to deny anyone else or be alone or hide to get it. i want to share it, rub it off on others, worship it as sacred.

you know what i mean ... all you other free ones ... i'm watching you, i'm learning (i was always a qucik learn) i will catch up soon. you'll spot me as i do you. we'll laugh from our guts together, tip our glasses from across the room, wink a wink of sisterhood in our secret club as we go about our way ... with the only purpose to be the ones to pass it on. make room for me ... my presence is growing.



:: Kym 4:00 AM [+] ::
...

late nite ramblings.

my heart is so much wiser than i ever gave it credit for being. my intellect, what i held out as the prize for all those years, is full of useless data used to impress & depress. all those degrees, all those awards & accolades & achievements ... merely my way of proving something ... they hang on the walls & in my memory as tokens of proof that i am somebody. was somebody. have the ability to be somebody. & when i pose the questions to myself in the dark hours when i am all alone ... my mind jumps to answer them with clean, logical, analytical sentences, constructed by a fool for a fool.

and then ... my heart speaks in colors & textures ... saying nothing i can trade in for honors & recognition ... nothing that i can take to the bank ... nothing that i dare tell others ... saying the truth ... making my soul ache & my spirit shake.

& i know to listen ... to push out the droning of my intellect ... to stop the twisted chaos i call "making sense" & to let the tears flow & the feelings pour & the realness of it all just be. and at those moments, like now, when all is quiet & my heart is full & i think i cannot take another truth ... that is the time when i am finally somebody, when i have finally acheived something, when i am finally me. i am vulnerable & pure & open & enough. it is these moments that i have won - when i have the proof - when i know the real prize.
:: Kym 4:52 AM [+] ::
...

i am a fuck you. it is just who i am. i have hazel eyes. i have a small body. i am a fuck you. i don't always know it - am not trying to be it - makes me sick when i see it, i resist acknowledging it, i pretend to be so not that. i love so much, so much - i have this heart that is just bursting to love & give AND receive - my whole committment in life is to serve, to make others feel love, to have no one one every be lonely or shut out or scared or hurt in my life. & then i get scared, i fear the pain, i fear the rejection, i fear fear fear. and my fuck you comes up - o, it is not blatant anymore - it is subtle & sneaky (even i don't know it is there mostly) - it is in my distance - it is in my quiet - it is in my covering my truth with a sugar coating. it is a pretense. so i am a fuck you. AND i am powerful, and loving, and generous, and grateful & tender & loyal & compassionate. i am all of that. i am the one who will shift the world that i touch. i am the one who brings a breathe of fresh air into a space. i am the one who will hold you until all traces of your own fear are quieted, who will be there for you no matter what, standing in your greatness, seeing parts of you that you never dreamed of, inspiring you to be fulfilled. i am all of that. so forgive my fuck you - i do. she is just scared & small. she is the one who doesn't see all of the other parts of me. she thinks she needs to protect me. i only want to see her when she shows up & show her the other parts so that she backs down & then i get to be love instead. i keep taking the coaching. there is absolute freedom in me accepting & loving my fuck you. there is more freedom in managing her. i am her manager. the fuck you manager. my love is infinite.
:: Kym 12:27 PM [+] ::
...

night runs into day & day into night & the cycle starts again ... it is not a redundant cycle though ... each day/night different with their own surprises, people, conversations, actions ... it is full, it is abundant ... i have so much ... i am so much ... i am thankful to be alive ... appreciating.
:: Kym 11:35 PM [+] ::
...

i ride the crest up & then float slowly down, taking my time to observe my own reactions. control is an illusion, darlings ... don't even humor yourself with believing you have it. so many parts of me that i used to hate - no more, they are just parts. each a double-edged sword. serving me sometimes - not serving me other times - no reason to hate them. i become aquainted with them, embrace them, accept them.

pushing the river only makes me tired, i am learning to just move with the currents. life is urgent. moments precious - i miss so much when i am pushing - i want to catch it all - each moment. i squandered so much time in the past, it seems, living with the illusion of control. regrets? no. i am clear that it occurs as it does, i only know what i know at each moment along the way.

i will uncover more tomorrow.


:: Kym 12:44 AM [+] ::
...

nights do not seem long when she is around ... tonight seems long.

i giggle at my new found freedom to just be with what's so - say what i mean - no hesitation. i love you. such a short sentence that we make mean so many things - that we reduce to plup & drama - that we tie such chains to. just thinking about saying it my fear comes up (what will she think, don't scare her off, don't show it all, don't be so vulnerable) & yet, i blow the fear right off & say it it anyhow. i know what i mean by it with her now, who i get to be - she is learning what i mean by it with her now, who she gets to be. it is so simple & yet, i cannot percieve of a more powerful way of being. it is sunlight & comfort & joy & intimacy. it is compassion & willingness & playfulness & passion. it is total freedom. it is life force. my real power emerges when i let myself just love her ... it is so pure & untainted in this space ... there is no need for the old fears to control things - no need to hide it, no need to run from it or resist it. there is nothing weak about this love ... this is omnipotent, electric, irresistible, magnetic ... my world/my life shifts with this love, i am bigger than i ever dreamed i could be.

we are developing clarity here/now ... in this space she knows she is loved & that I WANT NOTHING FROM HER - she feels it surround her like a warm blanket that won't be taken away by a whim, an emotion, a mood. it is her blanket - encircling all she is every moment.

this is what we all dream of but think we will never get - someone who just loves us - no matter what. she is fortunate.
i am more fortunate ... i get to love her.

:: Kym 2:11 AM [+] ::
...

surrender she said ... rings through my head - over & over & over
and i do - over & over & over

:: Kym 10:15 PM [+] ::
...