:: Sunday, December 21, 2003 ::

tis the season - to drop all the pretenses - wanna cry - cry - wanna laugh - laugh - let it flow - get real - don't hold it in - weighs more than xmas dinner - a beer, a cigarette & a conversation with myself - gonna let it in - let it out - don't want to nuturalize any of it - tired of being so vanilla - wasn't made vanilla -
checking my list & checking it twice
:: Kym 7:09 PM [+] ::
...

thin line ...

i cross it ... vulnerable can be so uncomfortable ...

to love or to shut down ... i want to make up a story about how much easier it is to just shut down ...
i want to embellish it with tales about how simple life was when i was numb - how free it was to not care ...
it is a sensational story (or just too common?) - the story of my past - wild & reckless & out to conquer - women
left dead in my dust - move on move on - next next next - feel? not me - i called it independent - i called it strong - i called it free free free

and now i stand here - inside of vulnerable
& the voices in my head say run
but i know them now - the voices -
they exist solely to keep me trapped in the illusions of that past
they love when i am lonely & empty & sad - they thrive on it
it is how they keep me from what i really want - it is how they prove themselves right (i can never have what i want)
it is how they validate & justify (give up ... why bother ... stop while i'm ahead)
they are who i've listened to before -
they are my cheerleaders of loneliness - the rally team for my isolation -
the queens of the walking dead love company

no
i choose to stay vulnerable
i choose to feel
i choose to experience
i choose to be powerful in my humaness
i choose to love


"& if i shed a tear i won't cage it ... i won't fear love... & if i feel a rage i won't deny it ... i won't fear love"
~ sarah mclachlan
:: Kym 10:18 PM [+] ::
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