:: Saturday, October 18, 2003 ::

i will never cease to be amazed at how simple it all is when i just let it be ...

i let go & it flows in
i slow down & i see
i love & i expand

i have gripped on & run & shut down so long that i became scared of the very beauty i said i sought

& here in this wild freedom i just stand as the colors spin around me
bright & exciting & available

:: Kym 10:23 PM [+] ::
...

Happy birthday to me - happy birthday to me -

i turned 46 ... how did it happen? i swear i was just 20 or maybe 30 or ... i know my body has changed but nothing inside feels any older ... if anything it feels younger as i look inside for signs of aging ... the real things have not aged ... they almost seem to have an eternal youth to them. so much to offer still, only begun it seems ... like finally i have my mind & soul & heart all synched up & all the pain & angst & anger & games have subsided - my passion alive - my experiences rich enough to support me - all a clearing for me to have exactly the life i always dreamed of & i even have the guts to swing out & risk it (what could i possibily have to lose anymore?). i look at the women i admire ... most of whom only really took a stand in their 40s ... beautiful, strong, unstoppable women with a mission ... i see myself in them finally ...

& yet, knowing all of this doesn't seem to make a difference when i get called old by someone half my age, behind my back, who doesn't even know me - probably in some i'll-never-be-there tone that is unique to the short-sightedness of the tight & young (it is all i can do, anger raging in me, not to spit out something back like: "you shallow bitch, you haven't lived enough to even know what life is, lost in your petty dramas & conversations about nothingness & you have the ignorance to judge me because of my extra wrinkles - you wait - you too will be here - perhaps not in half as good of shape as i am - remember your childish words then ... ") at that moment i forget all that i am & i feel my eyes sting & i fight the emotions that go with some memory of what was & will never be again ... it doesn't occur often - it doesn't stop me for long but ... for that brief moment - as my world stands still - i am lost in a time warp between knowing who i am & knowing what they see & for a second, just for a second until i regain my breath - i would give all that i am to have 20 or 30 back again.

thank gawd it only lasts for split seconds - then i regain my knowledge of myself & my compassion & my passion & i move on again - off once more to tick the time away as powerfully as i can - to appreciate still being alive (so wild when i was young i don't know how i lived to be 30 let alone 46) - to smile at the joke of life as i gain so much to replace simply the tightness of my younger years - to recogonize that given the choice i would never trade what i have back in for any physical fountain of youth - that the best is simply now.

happy birthday to me - happy birthday to me - i am so tickled to be alive - the best is now.



:: Kym 6:09 PM [+] ::
...

time rolls like thunder ....
summer gone ... the heat turning cooler ...

i lost a lot ... too many losses to count ...
the big summer losses:
i lost my father
i lost my saftey-net
i lost my belonging (multiple times)
i lost my fuck-you

i gained a lot ... too many gains to count ...
my big summer gains:
i gained my mother
i gained my sense of adventure (i traveled ... atlanta, dallas, amsterdam .... my own streets at night)
i gained my power (multiple times)
i gained my love-you

october air in florida ... i am alone but not lonely today
the sickness i felt all summer has name & a cure
i have taken back my composure ... my strength ... my softness ... my sense of humor

it is, after all, only a game
:: Kym 4:30 PM [+] ::
...